The Philosopher
No scientific nor metaphysical mystery is beyond the keen powers of this drunk to solve. Existentialism? You got it, bro. All. Night. Long. The Philosopher drunk exploits the relaxing effect of alcohol in order to tune out their own lives and tune into something much bigger. What attention span they lack while sober, becomes infinitely large while under the influence. Are human beings the result of an extraterrestrial breeding program? Are the planets of our solar system merely the sub-atomic components of quantum mechanics? Why do they call it soy milk when it doesn’t come from animal glands? Isn’t it “soy juice,” then? Whatever the question, the Philosopher drunk has the answer. Whatever the doubt, they’ve got the theory.
The George (Washington)
Honesty has its merits to a point — that point being the threshold of obnoxiousness and just short of becoming a complete jerk. The George drunk has no concept of this and prefers to cross the lines of relevance and grace under the guise of “just saying.” Prepare for the “should haves” and “if I were you’s” during a very uncomfortable segment of “you can’t get mad at me for telling the truth, bro.” Being honest in the best interest of others is one thing; borrowing the cover of alcohol to air out your silent contempt under the guise of giving advice is something entirely different. By insisting that their honesty is indeed valuable stuff, The George unilaterally reserves the right to pass ill judgement against you while simultaneously coming to your rescue. While The George can be annoying at best, they’re a reminder of something more sinister about the nature of truth tellers, something the writers of history forgot to mention about the story of George Washington and that cherry tree: it was a lie.
The Flirty Whore
Do I even need to elaborate? We all know this one. And, most likely, we’ve all been this one at some point in our lives. The Flirty Whore drunk brings new meaning to the term “social butterfly” if butterflies drank alcohol…and were whores. Okay, so they aren’t literally exchanging sex for money, but the Flirty Whore drunk cannot survive without sexual attention and sexual tension. With wings spread far and wide, this drunk will gravitate to anyone and anything that will notice them. And for those that do notice, they’re adorned with accolades of touching, eyeing, and a caliber of sexual flattery that could make even a celibate monk think he had a shot.
The Anarchist
Nothing says “I had a wild night” like jail time. The Anarchist always insists on shattering the rules of society — even when those rules have been signed into law. Trespassing on private property to go swimming in someone’s backyard? Piece of cake. Illegal gambling rings? Let’s do it. Steal a case of water from the maids’ supply room at the hotel? Do you even have to ask? No crime is too petty and none carries too heavy a penalty for The Anarchist drunk, because if felony charges haven’t been filed, they didn’t party hard enough.
The Patient
Usually the more inexperienced drinker of the group, The Patient has trouble handling their alcohol beyond the skill level of a college freshman. It’s heartbreaking, really. Because every time you and your crew go out drinking you warn them, “don’t mix, don’t get sick this time.” And every time they tell you “Don’t worry. I’m cool.” Well guess what? They’re not cool. Ever. Handling your drinks like a ambitious toddler doesn’t make you a badass drinker — it makes you a liability and a drag. Nobody works 40 hours a week to tie you a bib and make sure you don’t die in your sleep. When someone’s drinking skills haven’t matured to a level that avoids sleeping with a toilet bowl every night they consume alcohol, everyone pays for it. The Patient drunk is least fun drunk.
The Motherly Peacemaker
With every volatile — and potentially explosive — situation involving alcohol, there exists someone there to diffuse it. This is the Motherly Peacemaker drunk. The Motherly Peacemaker will say and do anything to soothe the tears, wounds, and social mayhem created by those around them. The moderation of any and all displays of social fireworks is not only the direct result of their natural compassion for others, but also, the hope that just once they might enjoy an unspoiled night out. The peace they seek to achieve is in the best interest of others and themselves. The Motherly Peacemaker is often the default caretaker of the Patient drunk, and the likeliest of people to save your life.
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